The closer I get to the inevitability of a thing, I feel this amazing surge of power. And not just excitement, I literally feel like I can take on and do anything that I desire! Nevertheless, Day 4 was brutal. I was pulled in my flesh, I was pulled in my tummy, I was pulled on my attitude not once but twice by work related drama. But I believed that I behaved the best way possible, and my reward is at hand. I care to reach people, and I do so in a way that I know that that will be changed after the fact. I see so, so many people, many at church, many at work, who are literally shells of themselves from letting life beat them up so much. Now, some put on the facade of strength, a mask of vitriol and smugness, hiding the scared child inside. Others refrain from speaking, seem surprised by intimate contact, and speak either very low or very fast (or both).
I am going to pull a "Neo" on people. I am going to wake them up out of their secular media-induced comas, and realize that we've but only a few more sunsets left on Earth. I want to let them know that they have souls that can be lost, and it would behoove them not to live through Hell on Earth, only to spend eternity there as well. I want them to see beyond the boundaries of their right now; whether it be the rich man becoming more philanthropic and humble; or the beggar who needs to put down the sign and pick up a trade. But that is what I want, and I am truly a Gethsemane saint -- one who says, "God, nevertheless, thy will be done!" I refused to give up on this fast because I need Him to do something deeper in me. I am so sick and tired of living up to people's accolades of me when I know I have truly not done anything at all. That's why I love the Soul Seekers/Marvin Winans track "It's All God". More than half the time I exist using mathematical calculations and projections, estimating that a certain thing can only happen a certain number of times, and more often that not, I am successful at literally guessing. I want something more authentic than that. I don't want to gamble the rest of my life, constantly retreading and rebuilding. I am ready to build up, stay up, and then die, or rapture. Or die.